d is for depression and december

Hello again fwends,

The vibe for December has been off and I don't know whyy. I can't seem to shake this funk I'm in and I've been getting out more and being social but I still feel off. Maybe it's because this time last year I spent about 2 weeks at my ex's place and I felt extremely close to him. That is until he blind sided me with a stint in rehab that left me crying for a week during Christmas. I knew about the pills and the drinking but I was so afraid it was worse then he let on. I should ended things with him from the first night we met. Everything keeps playing in my head over and over. Why can't I get over him.

The kid went to a Jay Z concert while I was out with friends. That didn't really sit well with me since he has time for concerts when his friends invite him but not for me. He thought I mad because I too wanted to go to the concert and tried to assure me that they were over an hour late and it was last minute. I'm not interested or invested in this at all anymore and I could have cared less. I've been working nights the past few weekends and finishing in the AM which has wiped me out. I always get messages from the kid at work saying he wants to see him around 10pm. If he were exiting in bed then I might be enticed but it's just a bother. I'm sick of his essays, his crying, and his lack of effort.

When I finally saw him the next day we went out to eat and he filled the silence with chatter about his trip back him and finals. He kept asking if I was mad. I felt like crying already because how long are we gonna draw this out. He let me know his sister will marry and his mom wants him to study in Dubai and shes having his room remodeled for him. I found out yesterday he changed his ticket to leave almost a week earlier. It's not like we see each other. On New Years I plan on saying goodbye's to old flames and kharoofs alike.

I got a message from jilted while I was nauseous in bed I've been feeling a little sick lately. He was in the plane heading back home. He was depressed too and said he really wasn't looking forward to the month back home. His family has really been riding him lately about marriage and his future. I joked his soul is probably American. As the only boy I feel for him at twenty-seven and never even engaged. Were all just trying to be happy. I'm gonna miss him more then the kid and he lives in a different state.

the hermit girl

Hello again, well I've tried to be somewhat productive now that I rarely get out. I've been stressed over moving lately and money troubles so my skin has broken out horribly. When I was in high school I would cry and beg my mom to stay home if I had a pimple...I've gotten a lot better but I just don't feel like interacting with society, staying home slathered in zit cream and watching Korean dramas seems more appealing. Hey has anyone seen Boys Over Flowers? I liked it... I haven't seen the kid in about 2 weeks and while I'm not surprised it's just annoying. I can predict the text I'll get everyday which goes something along the lines of "hi baby keefk" and then hours later "miss you" and some hearts. He had some friends visit from out of state last weekend and all this week he is cramming for his finals. Education is important that's why he's here. I get more calls and messages from people I have no interest in at all, funny how that works. The jilted one and I talk for a few hours during the week about nothing at all, it's nice to have someone to talk to with out any censoring or sugar coating. He's brutally honest with me which is something I'm not used to.

Yesterday I invited the kid to an event in the city he lives where a famous DJ is hosting at a club. Of course he can't go but I wanted to throw the invite out there just in case. I thought it'd be nice to blow off some steam before the finals. Later he messaged me thanking me for being patient with him and understanding and said he loved me. Ugh please go home already so we can really have an excuse and a reason to miss each other. I haven't told him when I'm moving as I don't see the point. I'd ignore him completely but I don't want him to choke during his finals. I'm hoping we'll keep drifting during the winter break and by the time he gets back we'll both be strangers once again. 

My temporary relief for landing the part time job I wanted is dashed since they will be closing at the end of this month for remodeling for at least three months. Sigh I'll be out of here by then, I really should have stuck with my other job and tired to hold it together. I'm toying with the idea of going to school out of state for a semester but I'd have to pay out of state fees and if I leave my state for a year I lose residency. I already took guaranteed admission to a university here but I like the idea of getting away.

sanksgiving

Hello darling, I had the most delightful family dinner after a rough week. My mom cooked a traditional turkey dinner with all the fixings, which she hasn't done in ages. Why does having a man make us revert back to the 1950's and have dinner on the table and his shirts ironed? As the fall semesters come to a close I know who's already booked their tickets home because of the invitations I've gotten for travel and parties. Don't lieee you know you wanna get some before you go home ya kalb (dog in Arabic). I got a message out of the blue from an old friend who felt I jilted him. What is it about the holidays that makes all the ghosts of Christmas past come back to haunt you?

Between the all expenses paid offers to go to Qatar and Dubai I feel annoyed with everything. I want genuine love. Everything else just will not do, I'm bored with the kid. He confessed he thinks I don't really love him. Gee what was the dead giveaway my lack of calls or messages. He's a sweetheart he really is, just I don't have the patience to hold his hand during the duration of his stay in my country. The jilted one reminded me that his offer to marry me still stands despite everything he still loves me. I like him honestly and he speaks excellent English. I miss our conversations and how we used to make in fun of each other. I told him to give me two years and if I can find no one else then he will have to do. To which he replied "mashallah hayati you never try to spare my feeling". The only faults I find him is that he smokes heavily and is from Jeddeh with no plans of relocating. I had to remind him that if he married me he would risk losing his scholarship and our marriage would not be recognized in his country. You can't play a player. We are both too old for this run around. Unless he has a wasta it would take forever and our application could be rejected from his government. It's best to have a good knowledge of the rules when playing.

Once everyone is nestled safely back in their proper countries of residence I can breathe a sigh of relief. For the new year I'm going to have to make big changes in my life. I know a lot of people won't make the cut. In the end you must do what's best for you.

the culmination...literally

So dear friends I went out this weekend with friends to the city. I had more then a enough to drink and I was in a playful mood. Soon enough my phone starts buzzing and I already know it's not the kid who took to his bed after failing a math test...cute...baby...ughhh. I guess I should give him a nickname but I'm not sure what it would be umm lets call him dessert because it's close to desert and he wants to have his cake right? Right? Funny? I know I know I tried. Anyway as usual he's asking why I'm not home and who I'm with. As a joke because we somehow ended up in a gay bar I sent him a picture of a go go dancer in a thong. I mean at the time it was funny and he did ask to see a picture. As I'm laughing by myself over this in a corner with my drink I get another message. It was...a dreaded dick pic. I'm still screaming over it. It's just so wrong on so many levels. How many times do I have to say it, that I had relations with his brother?

I'm drunkenly trying to explain how terrible this is and how awful I think he is. Then he sent me paragraphs in Arabic I have to try to translate which is another fiasco. He declared his love for me and his desire to be close to me. I must be a loveseat or a chair because I hear it from everyone "I feel so comfortable with you". Greaaaat feel free to just whip it out you know I'm American we see it alllll the time righttttt. Literally can't anymore. He said he wanted to make me happy and he feels he has disturbed me. Um yes you have. I remind him of his wife his child. Ask him not to jeopardize everything over dalliances like this.

I know why I liked him when he was here in the US. Because when he looked at something he actually saw it. The kind of person who noticed you are sad despite the smile you plaster on and the light joking atmosphere you try to maintain. How am I gonna fix this. I told him we crossed a line with each other and it's not proper we keep in contact. He insists we won't leave me alone. Huuuuh big sigh. I'm not looking to be anyone's mistress. It's bad karma. I don't need more relationship dysfunction. I read this yesterday "you have issues with abandonment, therefore you attract people who will abandon you". I'll just run for hills, throw my phone in the street and hope it gets run over by an eighteen wheeler.

it takes two to tango

I swear modern technology will be the death of all that is good and pure. I can't count the number of times I've gotten random tango requests from people I don't know and some of them I know I didn't add them so I have no idea how they are connected to me. For those of you decent people who have yet to be corrupted tango is a video face time application for smartphones. This is the part where it gets weird I dodged a couple of marriage bullets and the most painful for sure was from the older guy. Now over the course of the relationship there was a period where his brother came to stay with us. In looks they are complete opposites, he was skinny and had a dark complexion along with some scarring. His brother who was two years younger is tall, fair skinned, and more muscular. If you saw them next to each other you would have to really look to see the resemblance. What was beautiful about them to me was their eyes. The shape was more almond I don't really know how to describe it. Anyway his brother is a true bedouin always in the desert with his falcon. The month he was with us was one of the happiest in my memory until it got awkward.

Looking back some things were not normal and I don't know if I was honestly that deep in denial or just clueless. My boyfriend at the time would get in one of his moods and take to his bed. Leaving me and his brother to entertain ourselves. We would play pool and watch television it wasn't until I found him studying my from across the table or room that I realized maybe a line was crossed. At dinners he would take my drink, switch plates with me, tug on my hair or earring, and grab my hand. It was all playful but I thought it odd. I mentioned something about it to his brother and he said that it's nice how close we all are. Usually Arabic men are very protective to the point of being possessive so this is a red flag. Now that its been a while I can see things I was blinded too, and I spent a lot of time trying to be someone else and trying to please everyone around me. So I tried to backpedal and I started acting cold towards his brother hoping he would quit it.

Fast forward to now and years later his brother still messages me on whatsapp and tries to face time with me. I don't know if its boredom or what but I told him its not acceptable for us to talk like this. I know for a fact he is a married and has a child. What does everyone want to have their cake and eat it too? He told me that since he saw me he can't forget me and I can't help but think how strange the whole situation is. I almost married his brother what a fiasco that would have been. It reads like a bad joke, and I even blocked him a few times when I found he saved all my profile pictures from different apps. Funny how romantic someone can try to be when they are married. If a guy has 3 phones get rid of him asap. Arabic men from the gulf in general, they are really lovely when they want something. They love a chase, a game, cat and mouse. I used to like to play too until I got burned.

don't speak

I should change my name to that. Really I don't even know what came over me this weekend. Maybe because I was a hormonal mess or maybe my mother's upcoming nuptials are getting to me. I cannot take stress I am one of those people. Lately I am butting heads with everyone and it's ruining the relationship I have with my mother. You see my family isn't like one of those lovely families where everyone looks out for each other. Growing up in a broken home didn't exactly do me wonders and my mom's inability to ever be without a mans approval has messed me up. I can't help but resent her these days for leaving us alone for or passing up off to my grandma on weekend so she could see her boyfriend. Granted the divorce wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault that her husband of 17 years decided to throw us all out so he could be with his 20 something secretary who he got pregnant. Men do that, they get bored. What just really drives it home for me is the fact that she let him walk all over her and us. I have a memory of being 5 years old and having a 3 course candle lit dinner with my father, his girlfriend, all us kids, and my mother. Who brings their whore to dinner I mean come on. I'm not even one to judge but I remember seeing her pantyhose hung over the towel rack and my mom sobbing in the dark. She never stood up for herself, I wouldn't cook my husbands mistress dinner and sit and watch them eat it.He wasn't even a good man, I swear to God he was unstable. He used to terrorize us, hit us, beat us, and my mom apparently never knew. I don't think parents realize the impact they have upon their children. They may not understand what they are hearing or seeing but they still witnessed it. When choosing a life partner you have to look at them. Their temperament, their past relationships, and how they treat those around them.

When I was barely in my twenties I lived with a man who was about nine years older than me. The relationship had my mothers blessing because I was out of her hair. On the outside our life was lovely. We lived in a newly built luxurious apartment home which boasted numerous courtyards, swimming pools, and private gym. The two bedroom apartment was immaculate, I was never more unhappy. I cried myself to sleep a lot. That time with him was hell on Earth for me and my tearful pleas to come home were met with "well honey relationships aren't perfect" and "life is about compromise". I was so young and I was not strong enough. He eroded my self esteem over a two year period. Nit picking at every detail.

Not all abuse is physical and I think psychological abuse is more deadly. I recall a time where I had finished ironing and color coding his shirts. We were both in a bad mood and I don't remember what we were arguing about. I had turned my back to him in the closet and snapped at him that I didn't know what he was looking for and closed the door. He flung open the closet door and raised his hand as if to hit me, "watch your tone" he warned, and he didn't even have to shout. It took me a long time to realize I was afraid of him. I wanted for nothing yet I felt like nothing. I sat through hours of dinners, card games, tea and coffee sessions all in Arabic. That was the year I almost stopped talking. I was like a house cat or decoration. I was dragged along for errands and shopping simply because he hated to be alone. He were supposed to marry and I thank God our application was rejected because he was killing me. Everything I did was wrong. My hair was dyed to platinum blonde, I tanned, I lost weight, I had to get a new wardrobe, I changed my major, and I lost myself all at his discretion.

I could go on but the past is the past. This is thing, which isn't rocket science but if someone loves you, they wouldn't change a thing about you. The more you change yourself for someone, they more faults they will find in you because they are unhappy. I was raised to never rock the boat, to be quiet, and to be a people pleaser. My family told me that each year I talk less and less. Even now I speak too softly, if I had it my way I wouldn't talk at all. There is an Arabic saying "you should only speak if what you have to say is more beautiful than silence".

breaking up is hard to do

I tried to end things like mature adults once more and suggested the kid enjoy his freedom and the beauty of his youth by being single. Free to spread his wild oats in the typical Saudi Cultural Mission manner, by getting drunk and making poor judgement calls. He wouldn't accept my cryptic whatsapp messages and kept insisting on meeting me in person. That's my downfall goslings I awful at face to face serious talks. I beat around the bush, I banter, I pussy foot and I end up recanting everything. We meet up at Starbucks and I order a pumpkin spice latte while he takes a water. I note his adorable American flag sweater, which he excitedly explains how he found it at the outlets and its the same one Wiz Khalifa wore in a music video. I sigh as he sheepishly smiles and tries to load the video on his smart phone to show me. Such a baby, a cute baby. I choose a table by the window and try to explain how I need to end this before I am further ruined. He apologizes and asks for a second chance and I say no. "Oh fuck" and he whispers and buries his face in his hands. I fiddle with the lid of my latte because I can't stand to see him suffer. He raises his head and takes my hand as I drone on about the age difference between us and how he's too young for me. Fast forward 25 minutes later and we're in his car by the airport waiting for a movie to start. I watch his innocent face as he lights a joint.

I don't know what possessed me. Maybe it was the fact that I had not slept well in over three days, hell make that six months. I'm so tired all the damn time and neurotic over the dumbest things. I watched the slow exhale and the way he tilted his head back slightly, a plume of white smoke swirled around us. I told him I wanted to try it and he was surprised but held the joint to my lips. I inhaled and felt a heavy feeling in my lungs different from cigarettes. I took a couple more hits and the kid  said my lips made it taste sweeter. Cute and kharoof like (a kharoof is slang in the Arabian Gulf for a guy shows a sucker for girls). We exchanged smokey kisses and I hated the taste it left in my mouth. After generously spritzing both of us with with John Varvatos cologne, he took my hand and we walked giggling into the theater down the longest hallway I've ever seen. I sat down and looked for the seat belt before realizing where I was. The movie was boring and hard to follow, his kisses were more fun. So much for breaking up.

the road to to hell

Jeez Louise friends, I've since been trying to clean house of all things Arabic. I cannot do it anymore really last week was the last straw. I don't want to go into great detail about what happened but it was borderline sexual assault. And no amount of paragraph long text messages of apologies will ever fix that. I realized two important things, one I can't drink around guys anymore and two I can't trust anyone. I'm so disgusted that I don't want to drink anymore. I actually picked up a bible for the first time in months. God I just want to be happy so badly. I want to just wake up and feel better. I don't want to wake up past noon with a headache from crying. I can't stand the pitying glances my family keeps throwing me.

So I think I managed to get rid of Abdul once and for all it was easier then I thought. I had tried every move in the book and acted like a psycho but hey some guys are in to that. It just took some hinting at having him investigated by friends back home to outrage him. Then you get dramatic messages from whatsapp about how he will never speak to me again and how I am done from his life, how I will cry later because I lost such a good guy. I think the steroids affected his brain.

 Now getting rid of the kid is another matter. I had a late night dinner with him and I danced around the subject. Why am I such a coward ugh. Finally choking back tears I explained to him that I just want to be happy, and I feel lonely with him. What I should have said is "you're here for a couple of years and I would love to sit and hold your hand and play house but I'm getting too old for it". I managed a confession that something about me makes people leave. And he got mad and said he wanted me and he hasn't seen anything about me he didn't like. He asked me stop bringing the subject up about how we met. He asked if I stopped loving him and he was on the verge of tears too. I kept sipping my iced tea trying to will myself not to cry in public until he snatched it out of my hands. He pulled me closer to him and kissed me. I sat in this very booth before with my ex. What is wrong with me? He swore he would try harder. They always do. I managed a tight smile.

Later in his bed he cradled me naked to his body. I asked him how much he loved me as he moved above me, "I would die for you" he whispered kissing me. The whole time I thought of my ex my eyes scrunched tightly closed. I had to bite my lip to keep from saying his name. Early the next morning I had to leave early and we exchanged playful banter and I dressed. He told me about a concert he was going to in the valley some rave, it wasn't an invitation. He told me he wanted to try molly for the first time with his friends but he was afraid of getting addicted. I sat on the edge of his bed my back to him pretending to pull on my shoes. The smell of sex around us was suddenly suffocating. I advised him not to take it trying to hide the disappointment from my voice. He promised not too, that he would be the sober one. That evening he stopped answering my messages until the morning. I saw posts of the rave on his Instagram with comments from friends asking if he found molly with winky faces. So much for breakfast in the city followed by the movie, now here we are exchanging curt messages.

How stupid I am.

hypothetically

Let's say there's a girl and boy who are infatuated with each other. This boy, young and exotic from some far away place woes you and sweeps you off your feet. You sense something off but you push it aside because you're caught up in emotions. As you and your lover exchange heated kisses filled with promise, he pulls back to pour you a shot and you take it. Everyone around you is laughing having a good time, music is blaring and the night is young. The mood shifts and you see the group each take a tablet out of the packet being passed around. The packet reaches your boyfriend and he breaks 4 capsules out of the plastic pockets. You watch memorized as he washed 2 of them down with vodka and redbull. Surly not your baby, who is health conscious and works out daily would take drugs or jeopardize his health. You watch open mouthed as across the table a mild mannered friend snorts a line off the glass. It's like in the movies as the light catches the diamonds in his watch and he lifts a tan hand to his nose to pinch his nostrils, head tiled back black hair falling over his eyes that are scrunched tightly shut. Suddenly you're not so sure you want to be here anymore and your boyfriend notices you stiffen next to him. He presses reassuring deceptive kisses against your face and as your eyes drift shut he takes this opportunity to pop 2 pills in your mouth. As your eyes snap open his eyes and fingers demands you take it and a cold drink is pressed to your lips. The class clinks against your teeth and there's a look in those dark eyes that will haunt and God help you, you swallow. Is it because you think that you are in love that you, who has never even smoked weed would suddenly take to pill popping?



In the backseat of a car you notice a certain heaviness wash over your body and you feel weak. You lift a shaking hand to sip your drink hoping it will steady you. You try to call your lovers name but it only comes out in a whisper and have to tug weakly at his blazer before he notices you and he can tell the drugs are taking effect. You try to voice your fear and uncertainty but the only sound that comes out is a whimper. "How much do you love me?" his full mouth and black eyes demand, as you proclaim your love for him is more than anything, the gentle hand that was stroking your hair suddenly tightens and your face is mashed against his. You become lost in the sensation of his touch and his kisses only breaking for sips of vodka. The drive downtown is a blur and you don't even remember parking or entering the club. As the two of you dance in a haze, your back and ass tightly pressed him and a possessive hand against your throat that keeps your head tilted upwards. In between sharp kisses your eyes drift lazily open and you notice his eyes are open but not watching you, the red light of the club swirls in his black eyes now narrowed and you realize his gaze is aimed at his friends. You whisper a question of whats wrong and his hands tighten around your body. "I feel jealous" tone soft but deadly " I don't want anyone else to look at you".

bringing the holiday

Well I've brought the holiday as they say. Well they being the kid. I was in the city a few weeks ago with the kid, helping him finish an assignment in Coffee Bean. We were in a cheerful mood that Friday and decided to go to the city. Before I explain this is something I hate, do you dear readers have any idea who many essays, homework, and workbooks I have done for international students ugh too many. I'm tried of doing everyone's assignments. You are here in my country to study not party and I over indulge you. Anyway the kid chooses a new lounge he heard of and we head over.

I'm a bit leery because he has a fake ID. Thankfully it's accepted most places so after getting in we head to the bar and grab some drinks. I like this lounge but it gets crowded and we wander to the out door patio. A few cocktails in we are both buzzed and jovial, sprawled out on a couch in the corner by a heating lamp. I vaguely recognize a guy I thought I had seen before, but I wasn't sure as I had forgotte my contacts and I was tipsy. We lost our place on the couch after getting more drinks so we moved to a large table. The kid expresses a desire to smoke but has no cigarettes on him and asks the guy a few seats down from me. I realize it's the same guy I thought I recognized, he passes the young one two cigarettes and he hands me one. I glanced at this guy and he asks if I remember him. Now I had only seen him a few times in passing never for more than 10 minute. I had a different hair color. I was a different person than. I'm surprised he recognized me.

I decide to play dumb since I'm in no mood to be tormented but he persists sliding into the empty seat next to me much to my dismay. He mentions my ex's cousin's name trying to wound me. I admit I know remember him and say his name in hopes that he'll shut up. He prattles on about his school and makes small talk with the kid. The kid tries to be polite and asks which school he goes to and he says with a smirk directed at me. "Oh you know in the one in the valley the same as "him" I nod. He gleefully admits he's being mean. I agree with a shrug and he asks my name I tell him it doesn't matter. The kid chimes in that I have many names. I wince internally and that comment only makes everything look worse. I can't stand another minute of this so I rudely interrupt him with his nickname "dirty" and he is. He finally takes the hint and leaves and wishes us a goodnight.

I tearfully explain his behavior to the kid and he kissed me. Good let them talk, should I cry at home forever. That following evening I receive a message on tango from my ex, funny six months and no word. It's a link to a Lil Wayne featuring my favorite artist The Weeknd. The song is about being a hedonist and a repeating line is  "I'm good". I know I should have just let it go, but I couldn't. I reply hours later with a link of my own to the mournful rap ballad Blood on the Leaves, about failed love and betrayal. I know this will now get messy and they will not stop until the kid and I are over. I don't care anymore about any of them. This is my home, my country, my game. I destroy me. Not you.

the kid is alright

I'm not sure how to explain this without sounding like an insecure bitch but if the shoe fits...The kid is someone whom I poured my heart out too during my crisis. He was there for me and always listened to my incoherent ramblings and let me cry and muse over my ex boyfriend. But here's the problem with the help of my Arabic brother we'll call him uh um my Arabic brother, we made a fake profile on this chat app thing I mentioned. He and his friends would use my phone and mess with Khaleeji guys studying in the US on a student visa. The kid as it turns out was new to the state and looking to meet new people. I liked his style, his photos, and with the boys translating he thought I was an Arabic girl. I was hesitant because of his age just twenty, but my friends insisted I make him a target. When I was at school and work my phone would get many messages from this app and alerts, so ended up giving him my number so I could save battery. Soon we were exchanging pictures and message everyday. He would always ask to meet me and I would always make an excuse. To make up for my poor Arabic we all thought of this awful back-story of how I was the by product of an illicit affair and half American. I'm ashamed of the whole thing and when I think about it I hate myself. I know that what happened is karma. The kid shared many private things with me, photos, videos, and confided in me. He confessed his love for me and his desire to save me. It broke my heart I wanted him but not as myself as the character we made up. This charade lasted for about five months until it exploded on Eid.

He was angry and didn't talk to me for days when he found out the truth. I still don't know why he talks to me now. I fell in love with him. Not a crazy passionate love like I had but a puppy love or just a like. Lets not take loves good name in vain. I broke down out of guilt and agreed to see him and we got tipsy talked on the beach swing set. Fast forward hours later at an after hours club in the city. Seating was limited and we sat almost on top of each other in the dark patio. As the neon lights flashed over us dying both our faces violet and blue he nuzzled my cheek. His hair was so soft and fine like a babies. He kissed my hair than my cheek. I take in the smell of him of musk, cologne,and the faint smell of cigarettes. We were both shy at this point but he grew bolder and grabbed my chin and tilted my face to meet his. As we first kiss the bass drops and like in a music video we are oblivious to everything around us except the moment. I cup his face, my white fingers were a stark contrast against his tanned skin and black beard. We shyly pull away from each other and sit in comfortable silence his hand finds mine and he plays with it. I like his kisses, they are not complicated. His lips are soft and he's subtle with his tongue. I know that this is not a good idea and it will cause a scandal, but at this point I am beyond caring. But it was one of the best nights I've had in months. When he dropped me off to my house, he hugged me to his body. He is not very tall but I'm still shorter than him. He cupped my face in his hands before kissing me goodnight and whispered that he wished this night wouldn't end. Looking back I wish that too, that we never went any further than sweet kisses. The bitterness that followed was not worth it.

sometimes I wanna disappear

Some days I feel like my old self again and others I'm back to square one. This was a rough weekend for me and I spent the better half of today moping in bed nursing a hangover. I have been drinking a lot more then usual lately and I need to slow it down. On Thursday I had lunch with my friends from the exchange program whom I adore. Heads turn when the four of us walk in the mall, simply because we all try to make an effort to dress chic and add a European twist to our style. My friend from Germany married in the summer at 21 on a the beach. It was a lovely simple wedding but they seem to be having trouble in paradise. It made me wonder where I would be today if I had accepted the engagement proposals in my early twenties.

After dinner with friends I received a text from my Arabic brother. I had not seen him in two months after an incident between us. He invited me to get a drink with him and he wanted to catch up. I was a little bored so I agreed. I went home to change and fix my make up. I dressed in all black again and left my hair a big wavy mess. I love to apply heavy cat eyeliner, there's a Lil Wayne song I have on repeat these days that sings "she had cat eyes, nine lives, no tan lines, thigh highs..." that I do. After taking my second shower in perfume. A good or bad Khaleeji habit I picked up years prior. I decided to be a tease and heat up some charcoal for bakhour. Bakhour is heavy fragrant incense used to perfume clothing and hair. My Arabic brother is the only male of six sisters, so he always notices and appreciates these gestures. When he is drunk he will text me, that in this club or bar there is no one who compares to me. Kind of him to stay my fragile ego these days but boys are always good with words rarely with actions. Once in the car he greets me with hala galbi which translates to (hello my heart) and a kiss on my head. He will leave within a month or so back to his country after getting an English program certificate. The bar he wanted to show me was closed so we debate what to do. We end up going to the city. I complain at his casual appearance of a t shirt and sport shoes, while he clicks his tongue.

We end up at a club and as he gets drunk he tries kissing me and I became weary. I say many mean things to him out of annoyance and he takes my abuse. As I go to slam the car door for my dramatic exit, he ruins it by handing me a present. I don't want it but he insists and asks me to open it when I get home then text him. I was a little drunk myself and tossed my shoes and the present on the floor by the door fell asleep. The next day I open the bag and suppress a deep sigh and wonder if he's mocking me, it's a giant green Saudi flag. As I lifted the flag to inspect it a black velvet box falls out. The jewelry set is similar to one he gave me on Eid, but this time rubies instead of emeralds and more bakhour. I place the box next to its twin and carefully fold the flag. I don't want it, and it has Allah's name written on it in Arabic so I cannot dispose of it. I cannot hang it anywhere in my room as it would only be a painful reminder. I try to make him take it back but he wouldn't.

I needed a distraction and luckily my friend were going to a fair. While at the fall fair by the beach I saw so many happy couples. Some married with small children. The mothers making sure her young ones stayed hydrated and adjusted small sunhats. The dads held children on their shoulders. I sadly checked my phone for the millionth time. I wanted to see the young one but I was annoyed by his late night texts. I only went out with my brother because I was sad and look at that fiasco.  I don't want empty relationships anymore. Don't text me because I crossed your mind drunk and high at 1:30am. Text me because you miss me, invite me to dinner or a movie not a club or bar. I'm going to end this fling because I can't keep doing this to myself. My Arabic brother sends me a few snapchats and messages, I respond polity and thank him. I watch my friends laughing in the sunshine. Sometimes I wanna disappear.

little bitch used to be my favorite

The one who has the great honor of ruining me shall be called Adonis because he is. He is 6'0 ft and about 185 pounds of muscle. God his body was something out of a movie or a dirty novel. His hands uhhh so beautiful I used to kiss each finger. What gorgeous smooth skin he has far too lovely for a man. In the summer months he tans to a perfect golden color and in winter he is fair. Those eyes that took my soul, so deep and dark. He often had purple shadows under his eyes, but he was always perfection to me. And that mouth oh his lips, I used to suck on them until he would make ouch noises. I have never been more aroused and in tune with my sexuality with anyone before him. His real name suits him, sleek, ruthless, deadly, and beautiful. I still burn for him but I have too much pride and I have sealed my fate. I swear to God he was my dream, everything I wanted in a man or so I had thought. Stylish, jealous, and possessive. Careful what you wish for goslings. My Adonis had a dark side to him, a temper that would flair up in ugly incidents. I'll go into that a little later as it's dark now and thinking about it puts me back in that hopeless place.

 Another bad habit, when I was destroyed I had to have a busy phone. I never pictured myself as one of those needy girls who has to have the attention of a man. But I would call the Adonis over 30 times and from numerous apps. Just a pathetic time I was in a lot of pain and even now months later it hurts. Anyway I had made some new friends at the bar and as a joke they suggested I play with some boys to feel better. With the help of a popular dating and chat app. I made a profile and let the boys have fun with my profile, which included suggestive photos of me (not of my face) of course. Now to clarify the Adonis is from a Gulf country in the Middle East as are most of the players in this sad game. Now this blog isn't gonna be me asking for advice and woe is me what will I do with my forbidden love with Aladdin. I know better there's no castles, no Raja, and no Princess Jasmine. It doesn't work out 99999777777.% of the time. Well there will be moping but that's just how I cope. I know we will never run away together and marry in an exotic foreign land. To anyone who stumbles across this searching for answers please, it's not worth it. You know in your heart if he loves and respects you. If you have to search for the answer you already know it and your searching for a better reality.

my goodness

Oh me oh me oh my. When I last left off dear reader(s) I was in better spirits and I had to make myself presentable. I showered and made my self presentable and choose to wear an all black outfit like my mood of course. I was looking for an excuse to wear my new black felt cheetah print Zara leggins and my friend wanted to get drinks. It's surreal to think that as I spritzed myself with a generous amount of Violet Blonde by Tom Ford; dashed out the door and had to come back up because, in the elevator I had looked down at my hands to realize I had forgotten my rings and watch. I hate when I forget my hands look naked and small.

My rabbit was waiting downstairs looking young and fresh in the bright blue shirt the gym she works for makes them wear and her long chestnut hair pulled back from her face. People often ask if we are sisters, we both share the same small features dainty nose, tiny mouth, and petite bodies. I always say "yes!" with a bright smile while she stammers "no" and to avoid the confused look I am forced to add "wellllll we're like sisters". I'm rambling. Rabbit wants to grab some food before we head out looking for male attention to boost our self esteem. We head on over to The Habit and I decide to live a little and get a strawberry shake, I know I know terrible of me I gained weight I can tell. Rabbit ordered something fried and delicious to go and we left to her house.

It's weird how life works out sometimes one minute I was absent mindlessly checking my phone, since I'm one of those filthy people who can't live without it and the next I was screaming in a daze crawling out from under the glove box. I have an awful habit of never wearing my seat belt I know it's very irresponsible of me and I know better. I shoved the airbag aside and opened the door with a shaky arm. My head hurt, my neck hurt, and my ears were ringing. I looked for rabbit who was frantically assessing the damage to her car and cursing. I'm really no good in panic stressful situations. An overzealous good Samaritan in frosty pink scrubs come out of no where and screamed for me to get out of the street. I appreciated the concern of this nurse lady but I kindly asked her to refrain from screaming in my face as I was dazed.

Now to add on to my hot mess express life there is a lot of guys involved. I declined a call from uhhh what should I call him umm lets say his name is Abdul. Yeah okay that works, I'm gonna have to do a detailed post later about all the players involved. Anyway I finally picked up and he said he would come right away and I told him I was afraid. He didn't come and I decided I was over it. Rabbit broke her thumb, singed her hair, and got minor burns on her face from the airbag. An elderly 80 year old man had ran a stop sign and we ended up T boning him. It could have been so much worse. Life is so precious and I don't appreciate it nearly enough.

hello my little goslings

Lately my life seems to be spiraling out of control. That's probably an understatement as its more like a car accident in slow motion and the poor unsuspecting bystanders can only watch helplessly. Most of my angst is due to the fact that soul has died. My heart, my passion, my reason to go on is no more. For a little bit I had everything I wanted, well nearly. I had an admirable position at work, a drop dead sexy boyfriend, and I was doing well in school for once. If I had cared to look closely enough I would have probably seen the fractures in my perfect world.  

Let me try and explain the reason for my downfall, not the one who got away but the one who ruined me. I think we all have that one person, even if were not willing to admit. The one that you felt free with. Maybe it was the unrivaled sex and passion that burned you up. I'm far from a saint but in my life I have felt anything like that. What we did cannot be described as gentle we rarely made love, and now that I look back sadly I can see the warning signs. The one who set your world on fire and didn't stick around to watch it burn. I read that phoenix's rise from the ashes stronger and more beautiful from the pain they endured. I'd like to think I yet to rise again but I feel defeated.

Six months later I sit here alone; hair in disarray pulled into a messy clip, oversize black yoga pants falling off my hips, and a stained white tank top that I just obliterated with sriracha while throwing together a sandwich. I can still faintly smell the clove cigarette I had earlier every time I lift my cup to my lips, I've had about cups of green tea now as I sat here trying to write this. Would you believe me if I say I have not slept well in six months. The purple smudges under my eyes are testament to that fact. I still cry a few nights a week over you. I know that you don't deserve it and I know I am fixated on you and it's become unhealthy.

I'm going to put it all on the table. No sugar coating. No flowered words or watered down versions I gave to friends and family. Just bare facts. I'm going to tell you my story flaws and all.