hello my little goslings

Lately my life seems to be spiraling out of control. That's probably an understatement as its more like a car accident in slow motion and the poor unsuspecting bystanders can only watch helplessly. Most of my angst is due to the fact that soul has died. My heart, my passion, my reason to go on is no more. For a little bit I had everything I wanted, well nearly. I had an admirable position at work, a drop dead sexy boyfriend, and I was doing well in school for once. If I had cared to look closely enough I would have probably seen the fractures in my perfect world.  

Let me try and explain the reason for my downfall, not the one who got away but the one who ruined me. I think we all have that one person, even if were not willing to admit. The one that you felt free with. Maybe it was the unrivaled sex and passion that burned you up. I'm far from a saint but in my life I have felt anything like that. What we did cannot be described as gentle we rarely made love, and now that I look back sadly I can see the warning signs. The one who set your world on fire and didn't stick around to watch it burn. I read that phoenix's rise from the ashes stronger and more beautiful from the pain they endured. I'd like to think I yet to rise again but I feel defeated.

Six months later I sit here alone; hair in disarray pulled into a messy clip, oversize black yoga pants falling off my hips, and a stained white tank top that I just obliterated with sriracha while throwing together a sandwich. I can still faintly smell the clove cigarette I had earlier every time I lift my cup to my lips, I've had about cups of green tea now as I sat here trying to write this. Would you believe me if I say I have not slept well in six months. The purple smudges under my eyes are testament to that fact. I still cry a few nights a week over you. I know that you don't deserve it and I know I am fixated on you and it's become unhealthy.

I'm going to put it all on the table. No sugar coating. No flowered words or watered down versions I gave to friends and family. Just bare facts. I'm going to tell you my story flaws and all.