d is for depression and december

Hello again fwends,

The vibe for December has been off and I don't know whyy. I can't seem to shake this funk I'm in and I've been getting out more and being social but I still feel off. Maybe it's because this time last year I spent about 2 weeks at my ex's place and I felt extremely close to him. That is until he blind sided me with a stint in rehab that left me crying for a week during Christmas. I knew about the pills and the drinking but I was so afraid it was worse then he let on. I should ended things with him from the first night we met. Everything keeps playing in my head over and over. Why can't I get over him.

The kid went to a Jay Z concert while I was out with friends. That didn't really sit well with me since he has time for concerts when his friends invite him but not for me. He thought I mad because I too wanted to go to the concert and tried to assure me that they were over an hour late and it was last minute. I'm not interested or invested in this at all anymore and I could have cared less. I've been working nights the past few weekends and finishing in the AM which has wiped me out. I always get messages from the kid at work saying he wants to see him around 10pm. If he were exiting in bed then I might be enticed but it's just a bother. I'm sick of his essays, his crying, and his lack of effort.

When I finally saw him the next day we went out to eat and he filled the silence with chatter about his trip back him and finals. He kept asking if I was mad. I felt like crying already because how long are we gonna draw this out. He let me know his sister will marry and his mom wants him to study in Dubai and shes having his room remodeled for him. I found out yesterday he changed his ticket to leave almost a week earlier. It's not like we see each other. On New Years I plan on saying goodbye's to old flames and kharoofs alike.

I got a message from jilted while I was nauseous in bed I've been feeling a little sick lately. He was in the plane heading back home. He was depressed too and said he really wasn't looking forward to the month back home. His family has really been riding him lately about marriage and his future. I joked his soul is probably American. As the only boy I feel for him at twenty-seven and never even engaged. Were all just trying to be happy. I'm gonna miss him more then the kid and he lives in a different state.

the hermit girl

Hello again, well I've tried to be somewhat productive now that I rarely get out. I've been stressed over moving lately and money troubles so my skin has broken out horribly. When I was in high school I would cry and beg my mom to stay home if I had a pimple...I've gotten a lot better but I just don't feel like interacting with society, staying home slathered in zit cream and watching Korean dramas seems more appealing. Hey has anyone seen Boys Over Flowers? I liked it... I haven't seen the kid in about 2 weeks and while I'm not surprised it's just annoying. I can predict the text I'll get everyday which goes something along the lines of "hi baby keefk" and then hours later "miss you" and some hearts. He had some friends visit from out of state last weekend and all this week he is cramming for his finals. Education is important that's why he's here. I get more calls and messages from people I have no interest in at all, funny how that works. The jilted one and I talk for a few hours during the week about nothing at all, it's nice to have someone to talk to with out any censoring or sugar coating. He's brutally honest with me which is something I'm not used to.

Yesterday I invited the kid to an event in the city he lives where a famous DJ is hosting at a club. Of course he can't go but I wanted to throw the invite out there just in case. I thought it'd be nice to blow off some steam before the finals. Later he messaged me thanking me for being patient with him and understanding and said he loved me. Ugh please go home already so we can really have an excuse and a reason to miss each other. I haven't told him when I'm moving as I don't see the point. I'd ignore him completely but I don't want him to choke during his finals. I'm hoping we'll keep drifting during the winter break and by the time he gets back we'll both be strangers once again. 

My temporary relief for landing the part time job I wanted is dashed since they will be closing at the end of this month for remodeling for at least three months. Sigh I'll be out of here by then, I really should have stuck with my other job and tired to hold it together. I'm toying with the idea of going to school out of state for a semester but I'd have to pay out of state fees and if I leave my state for a year I lose residency. I already took guaranteed admission to a university here but I like the idea of getting away.