Hello darling, I had the most delightful family dinner after a rough week. My mom cooked a traditional turkey dinner with all the fixings, which she hasn't done in ages. Why does having a man make us revert back to the 1950's and have dinner on the table and his shirts ironed? As the fall semesters come to a close I know who's already booked their tickets home because of the invitations I've gotten for travel and parties. Don't lieee you know you wanna get some before you go home ya kalb (dog in Arabic). I got a message out of the blue from an old friend who felt I jilted him. What is it about the holidays that makes all the ghosts of Christmas past come back to haunt you?
Between the all expenses paid offers to go to Qatar and Dubai I feel annoyed with everything. I want genuine love. Everything else just will not do, I'm bored with the kid. He confessed he thinks I don't really love him. Gee what was the dead giveaway my lack of calls or messages. He's a sweetheart he really is, just I don't have the patience to hold his hand during the duration of his stay in my country. The jilted one reminded me that his offer to marry me still stands despite everything he still loves me. I like him honestly and he speaks excellent English. I miss our conversations and how we used to make in fun of each other. I told him to give me two years and if I can find no one else then he will have to do. To which he replied "mashallah hayati you never try to spare my feeling". The only faults I find him is that he smokes heavily and is from Jeddeh with no plans of relocating. I had to remind him that if he married me he would risk losing his scholarship and our marriage would not be recognized in his country. You can't play a player. We are both too old for this run around. Unless he has a wasta it would take forever and our application could be rejected from his government. It's best to have a good knowledge of the rules when playing.
Once everyone is nestled safely back in their proper countries of residence I can breathe a sigh of relief. For the new year I'm going to have to make big changes in my life. I know a lot of people won't make the cut. In the end you must do what's best for you.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
the culmination...literally
So dear friends I went out this weekend with friends to the city. I had more then a enough to drink and I was in a playful mood. Soon enough my phone starts buzzing and I already know it's not the kid who took to his bed after failing a math test...cute...baby...ughhh. I guess I should give him a nickname but I'm not sure what it would be umm lets call him dessert because it's close to desert and he wants to have his cake right? Right? Funny? I know I know I tried. Anyway as usual he's asking why I'm not home and who I'm with. As a joke because we somehow ended up in a gay bar I sent him a picture of a go go dancer in a thong. I mean at the time it was funny and he did ask to see a picture. As I'm laughing by myself over this in a corner with my drink I get another message. It was...a dreaded dick pic. I'm still screaming over it. It's just so wrong on so many levels. How many times do I have to say it, that I had relations with his brother?
I'm drunkenly trying to explain how terrible this is and how awful I think he is. Then he sent me paragraphs in Arabic I have to try to translate which is another fiasco. He declared his love for me and his desire to be close to me. I must be a loveseat or a chair because I hear it from everyone "I feel so comfortable with you". Greaaaat feel free to just whip it out you know I'm American we see it alllll the time righttttt. Literally can't anymore. He said he wanted to make me happy and he feels he has disturbed me. Um yes you have. I remind him of his wife his child. Ask him not to jeopardize everything over dalliances like this.
I know why I liked him when he was here in the US. Because when he looked at something he actually saw it. The kind of person who noticed you are sad despite the smile you plaster on and the light joking atmosphere you try to maintain. How am I gonna fix this. I told him we crossed a line with each other and it's not proper we keep in contact. He insists we won't leave me alone. Huuuuh big sigh. I'm not looking to be anyone's mistress. It's bad karma. I don't need more relationship dysfunction. I read this yesterday "you have issues with abandonment, therefore you attract people who will abandon you". I'll just run for hills, throw my phone in the street and hope it gets run over by an eighteen wheeler.
I'm drunkenly trying to explain how terrible this is and how awful I think he is. Then he sent me paragraphs in Arabic I have to try to translate which is another fiasco. He declared his love for me and his desire to be close to me. I must be a loveseat or a chair because I hear it from everyone "I feel so comfortable with you". Greaaaat feel free to just whip it out you know I'm American we see it alllll the time righttttt. Literally can't anymore. He said he wanted to make me happy and he feels he has disturbed me. Um yes you have. I remind him of his wife his child. Ask him not to jeopardize everything over dalliances like this.
I know why I liked him when he was here in the US. Because when he looked at something he actually saw it. The kind of person who noticed you are sad despite the smile you plaster on and the light joking atmosphere you try to maintain. How am I gonna fix this. I told him we crossed a line with each other and it's not proper we keep in contact. He insists we won't leave me alone. Huuuuh big sigh. I'm not looking to be anyone's mistress. It's bad karma. I don't need more relationship dysfunction. I read this yesterday "you have issues with abandonment, therefore you attract people who will abandon you". I'll just run for hills, throw my phone in the street and hope it gets run over by an eighteen wheeler.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
it takes two to tango
I swear modern technology will be the death of all that is good and pure. I can't count the number of times I've gotten random tango requests from people I don't know and some of them I know I didn't add them so I have no idea how they are connected to me. For those of you decent people who have yet to be corrupted tango is a video face time application for smartphones. This is the part where it gets weird I dodged a couple of marriage bullets and the most painful for sure was from the older guy. Now over the course of the relationship there was a period where his brother came to stay with us. In looks they are complete opposites, he was skinny and had a dark complexion along with some scarring. His brother who was two years younger is tall, fair skinned, and more muscular. If you saw them next to each other you would have to really look to see the resemblance. What was beautiful about them to me was their eyes. The shape was more almond I don't really know how to describe it. Anyway his brother is a true bedouin always in the desert with his falcon. The month he was with us was one of the happiest in my memory until it got awkward.
Looking back some things were not normal and I don't know if I was honestly that deep in denial or just clueless. My boyfriend at the time would get in one of his moods and take to his bed. Leaving me and his brother to entertain ourselves. We would play pool and watch television it wasn't until I found him studying my from across the table or room that I realized maybe a line was crossed. At dinners he would take my drink, switch plates with me, tug on my hair or earring, and grab my hand. It was all playful but I thought it odd. I mentioned something about it to his brother and he said that it's nice how close we all are. Usually Arabic men are very protective to the point of being possessive so this is a red flag. Now that its been a while I can see things I was blinded too, and I spent a lot of time trying to be someone else and trying to please everyone around me. So I tried to backpedal and I started acting cold towards his brother hoping he would quit it.
Fast forward to now and years later his brother still messages me on whatsapp and tries to face time with me. I don't know if its boredom or what but I told him its not acceptable for us to talk like this. I know for a fact he is a married and has a child. What does everyone want to have their cake and eat it too? He told me that since he saw me he can't forget me and I can't help but think how strange the whole situation is. I almost married his brother what a fiasco that would have been. It reads like a bad joke, and I even blocked him a few times when I found he saved all my profile pictures from different apps. Funny how romantic someone can try to be when they are married. If a guy has 3 phones get rid of him asap. Arabic men from the gulf in general, they are really lovely when they want something. They love a chase, a game, cat and mouse. I used to like to play too until I got burned.
Looking back some things were not normal and I don't know if I was honestly that deep in denial or just clueless. My boyfriend at the time would get in one of his moods and take to his bed. Leaving me and his brother to entertain ourselves. We would play pool and watch television it wasn't until I found him studying my from across the table or room that I realized maybe a line was crossed. At dinners he would take my drink, switch plates with me, tug on my hair or earring, and grab my hand. It was all playful but I thought it odd. I mentioned something about it to his brother and he said that it's nice how close we all are. Usually Arabic men are very protective to the point of being possessive so this is a red flag. Now that its been a while I can see things I was blinded too, and I spent a lot of time trying to be someone else and trying to please everyone around me. So I tried to backpedal and I started acting cold towards his brother hoping he would quit it.
Fast forward to now and years later his brother still messages me on whatsapp and tries to face time with me. I don't know if its boredom or what but I told him its not acceptable for us to talk like this. I know for a fact he is a married and has a child. What does everyone want to have their cake and eat it too? He told me that since he saw me he can't forget me and I can't help but think how strange the whole situation is. I almost married his brother what a fiasco that would have been. It reads like a bad joke, and I even blocked him a few times when I found he saved all my profile pictures from different apps. Funny how romantic someone can try to be when they are married. If a guy has 3 phones get rid of him asap. Arabic men from the gulf in general, they are really lovely when they want something. They love a chase, a game, cat and mouse. I used to like to play too until I got burned.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
don't speak
I should change my name to that. Really I don't even know what came over me this weekend. Maybe because I was a hormonal mess or maybe my mother's upcoming nuptials are getting to me. I cannot take stress I am one of those people. Lately I am butting heads with everyone and it's ruining the relationship I have with my mother. You see my family isn't like one of those lovely families where everyone looks out for each other. Growing up in a broken home didn't exactly do me wonders and my mom's inability to ever be without a mans approval has messed me up. I can't help but resent her these days for leaving us alone for or passing up off to my grandma on weekend so she could see her boyfriend. Granted the divorce wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault that her husband of 17 years decided to throw us all out so he could be with his 20 something secretary who he got pregnant. Men do that, they get bored. What just really drives it home for me is the fact that she let him walk all over her and us. I have a memory of being 5 years old and having a 3 course candle lit dinner with my father, his girlfriend, all us kids, and my mother. Who brings their whore to dinner I mean come on. I'm not even one to judge but I remember seeing her pantyhose hung over the towel rack and my mom sobbing in the dark. She never stood up for herself, I wouldn't cook my husbands mistress dinner and sit and watch them eat it.He wasn't even a good man, I swear to God he was unstable. He used to terrorize us, hit us, beat us, and my mom apparently never knew. I don't think parents realize the impact they have upon their children. They may not understand what they are hearing or seeing but they still witnessed it. When choosing a life partner you have to look at them. Their temperament, their past relationships, and how they treat those around them.
When I was barely in my twenties I lived with a man who was about nine years older than me. The relationship had my mothers blessing because I was out of her hair. On the outside our life was lovely. We lived in a newly built luxurious apartment home which boasted numerous courtyards, swimming pools, and private gym. The two bedroom apartment was immaculate, I was never more unhappy. I cried myself to sleep a lot. That time with him was hell on Earth for me and my tearful pleas to come home were met with "well honey relationships aren't perfect" and "life is about compromise". I was so young and I was not strong enough. He eroded my self esteem over a two year period. Nit picking at every detail.
Not all abuse is physical and I think psychological abuse is more deadly. I recall a time where I had finished ironing and color coding his shirts. We were both in a bad mood and I don't remember what we were arguing about. I had turned my back to him in the closet and snapped at him that I didn't know what he was looking for and closed the door. He flung open the closet door and raised his hand as if to hit me, "watch your tone" he warned, and he didn't even have to shout. It took me a long time to realize I was afraid of him. I wanted for nothing yet I felt like nothing. I sat through hours of dinners, card games, tea and coffee sessions all in Arabic. That was the year I almost stopped talking. I was like a house cat or decoration. I was dragged along for errands and shopping simply because he hated to be alone. He were supposed to marry and I thank God our application was rejected because he was killing me. Everything I did was wrong. My hair was dyed to platinum blonde, I tanned, I lost weight, I had to get a new wardrobe, I changed my major, and I lost myself all at his discretion.
I could go on but the past is the past. This is thing, which isn't rocket science but if someone loves you, they wouldn't change a thing about you. The more you change yourself for someone, they more faults they will find in you because they are unhappy. I was raised to never rock the boat, to be quiet, and to be a people pleaser. My family told me that each year I talk less and less. Even now I speak too softly, if I had it my way I wouldn't talk at all. There is an Arabic saying "you should only speak if what you have to say is more beautiful than silence".
When I was barely in my twenties I lived with a man who was about nine years older than me. The relationship had my mothers blessing because I was out of her hair. On the outside our life was lovely. We lived in a newly built luxurious apartment home which boasted numerous courtyards, swimming pools, and private gym. The two bedroom apartment was immaculate, I was never more unhappy. I cried myself to sleep a lot. That time with him was hell on Earth for me and my tearful pleas to come home were met with "well honey relationships aren't perfect" and "life is about compromise". I was so young and I was not strong enough. He eroded my self esteem over a two year period. Nit picking at every detail.
Not all abuse is physical and I think psychological abuse is more deadly. I recall a time where I had finished ironing and color coding his shirts. We were both in a bad mood and I don't remember what we were arguing about. I had turned my back to him in the closet and snapped at him that I didn't know what he was looking for and closed the door. He flung open the closet door and raised his hand as if to hit me, "watch your tone" he warned, and he didn't even have to shout. It took me a long time to realize I was afraid of him. I wanted for nothing yet I felt like nothing. I sat through hours of dinners, card games, tea and coffee sessions all in Arabic. That was the year I almost stopped talking. I was like a house cat or decoration. I was dragged along for errands and shopping simply because he hated to be alone. He were supposed to marry and I thank God our application was rejected because he was killing me. Everything I did was wrong. My hair was dyed to platinum blonde, I tanned, I lost weight, I had to get a new wardrobe, I changed my major, and I lost myself all at his discretion.
I could go on but the past is the past. This is thing, which isn't rocket science but if someone loves you, they wouldn't change a thing about you. The more you change yourself for someone, they more faults they will find in you because they are unhappy. I was raised to never rock the boat, to be quiet, and to be a people pleaser. My family told me that each year I talk less and less. Even now I speak too softly, if I had it my way I wouldn't talk at all. There is an Arabic saying "you should only speak if what you have to say is more beautiful than silence".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)