I file these things under memories that keep me awake at night and my poor choice of people I placed my trust in. Take my Arabic brother I mentioned, at first it was a joke within the group everyone knew we were friendly and called him my slave. I knew he liked me how much I was never sure, I looked at all of them as my brothers. He was one of the main instigators when it came to the game with the kid. When drunk he would ask me about who I talked to and admit he hated them all. The term for a girl player in Saudi slang is "lizard" I forget the word in Arabic. My brother is from a city neighboring Bahrain and would often sneak out to drink and stay in his secret apartment. As the only boy he had responsibilities and was glad to study in the US for bit. He was in his late twenties and and perusing his masters.
I liked him and I miss the dynamic of the group, before things got awkward and out of hand. Things took a turn for the worse when the 2 ring leaders cousins whom I adore went back for Ramadan. I didn't realize they were the ones who kept everyone in line and made sure no boundaries were crossed. With the cousins M & M around I felt safe to drink and even I had one too many they would carry me out and feed me and put me to bed. I often slept in my brothers bed a mess of smudged eyeliner and heavy perfume. He would stay awake with his friends for a couple more hours and when I woke he was next to me. He hated the kid and I think he knew that it was deeper then games and loneliness. I arranged to meet the kid of Eid and confess everything but my brother got in the way of it.
That evening I had brought desserts for the boys and headed over. There was already a giant bottle of gray goose on the table and the television was blasting Wiz Khalifa. I found my brother perched on the tub a joint in his mouth. He greeted me with a customary hala wallah 8abi and pushed a drink into my hands. I'll finish later but I'm sure one can tell it won't end well.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
a declaration of hate
Well good people,
I've been a little preoccupied lately with packing and work. I was gonna wait until after my showdown with the kid to post but it likely will not be happening. We exchanged some choice words a week ago and haven't spoken since. He just keeps repeating he loves me and he's sorry in between the days and weeks of silence. How redundant please go and end your life or save it for someone who cares. Were supposed to set up a meeting but since I'm not being nice to him as he put it, we've settled on a declaration of hate. Everyone is back in the US and school has stated already, cue the pings and messages. If I get one more phone call with a +974 county code when I'm sleeping peacefully so help me. If you are married, and get different numbers to text your girls about missing them and then proceed to send pictures of your toddler with a winky face; also please kill yourself.
As soon as I get my school all squared away I'll be free to change my number. This time next month I'll be nestled in my new room in a new area. I'll be attending my new school and meet attractive American boys who are mentally stable. Ahh to dream. I've already bought a few maxi dresses and clothes for school. I'll wander lost through a foreign mountain top campus, flushed from the heat and a lovely well mannered young man will come to my rescue...not actually maybe I'll grow a pair and save myself.
I've been a little preoccupied lately with packing and work. I was gonna wait until after my showdown with the kid to post but it likely will not be happening. We exchanged some choice words a week ago and haven't spoken since. He just keeps repeating he loves me and he's sorry in between the days and weeks of silence. How redundant please go and end your life or save it for someone who cares. Were supposed to set up a meeting but since I'm not being nice to him as he put it, we've settled on a declaration of hate. Everyone is back in the US and school has stated already, cue the pings and messages. If I get one more phone call with a +974 county code when I'm sleeping peacefully so help me. If you are married, and get different numbers to text your girls about missing them and then proceed to send pictures of your toddler with a winky face; also please kill yourself.
As soon as I get my school all squared away I'll be free to change my number. This time next month I'll be nestled in my new room in a new area. I'll be attending my new school and meet attractive American boys who are mentally stable. Ahh to dream. I've already bought a few maxi dresses and clothes for school. I'll wander lost through a foreign mountain top campus, flushed from the heat and a lovely well mannered young man will come to my rescue...not actually maybe I'll grow a pair and save myself.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
keefk baby
Because my little goslings I am pathetic and needy I changed my whatsapp profile pic to a somewhat sultry picture of myself with pouty lips and heavy eyeliner. This is what I've been reduced to, when I'm bored I like to temporary put a picture that is sexy and then go to sleep. And like magic when I awake my phone is filled with messages. After a week long silence from the kid he sent me my favorite traditional Saudi male kharoof greeting of "keefk baby". He was just letting me know he was going to Dubai for 3 days with his brother, how wonderful I'll be sure to stop the press and alert everyone. That warranted no response but to change avatars in all apps to some melancholy quote about pain or loss so they know you saw it but are ignoring them. The subtle art of ignoring, why can't we just grow up.
My poor mother has been having a rough time with her boss so my sister and I sent her flowers from her favorite florist to her work. This year isn't off to an awful start but I feel like I have to start doing things differently if I want to change. It's hard without having closure but I'm trying to just let it go. I have how social networks keep you constantly updated unless you decide to delete and block which is so much effort. I don't want to delete my accounts but I don't want to see your face anymore. Dilemmas...
My poor mother has been having a rough time with her boss so my sister and I sent her flowers from her favorite florist to her work. This year isn't off to an awful start but I feel like I have to start doing things differently if I want to change. It's hard without having closure but I'm trying to just let it go. I have how social networks keep you constantly updated unless you decide to delete and block which is so much effort. I don't want to delete my accounts but I don't want to see your face anymore. Dilemmas...
Thursday, January 9, 2014
say something
My last post sounded so I dunno...dare I say unstable. I don't like to think of myself that way because I'm far too vain and concerned with myself but lately I've been doubtful. Today was wasted at the DMV while I was trying to get some paperwork processed, which took forever despite my appointment. I'm trying to return to normalcy and I think acceptance is setting in. Sometimes at night I feel anger or sadness creep over me but for the most part I try to shove it aside during the day. I prefer to grieve alone and in silence or lost in music. Has anyone listened to the song "Say Something" by A Great Big World ft Christina Aguilera? Oh its a doozy you'll be sobbing in no time.
I stopped contacting the kid at all because it was making me more and more upset and I just don't want to hear bullshit. I don't care that you couldn't have fun at your cousins wedding or you didn't go to Bahrain with your friends because you can't sleep at night. Good, I hope this eats at you till the day you die. I'm dreading the meeting we'll have to have next week to talk about this. I just want to shove all the things he gave me in a bag and hand it over, let him know that I curse his name and he is not forgiven.
Some mutual friends from Saudi Arabia, who stayed in the US for the winter break tried contacting me and I feel bad but I just cannot stand anyone from those places anymore. It's bad enough trying to be civil let alone sit through a coffee session. I just can't anymore. Another friend of mine who left in May is returning with his wife who's pregnant. Jesus, I remember him on top of that French girl for the duration that I knew him. How awkward.
I guess that's how we all cope. Shove it under the rug. Share a wink or two with friends. Pretend it never happened and everything is good. I'm happy to start packing, I never thought I'd want to move away from the city or the ocean. I can be someone else in a place where no one knows me.
I stopped contacting the kid at all because it was making me more and more upset and I just don't want to hear bullshit. I don't care that you couldn't have fun at your cousins wedding or you didn't go to Bahrain with your friends because you can't sleep at night. Good, I hope this eats at you till the day you die. I'm dreading the meeting we'll have to have next week to talk about this. I just want to shove all the things he gave me in a bag and hand it over, let him know that I curse his name and he is not forgiven.
Some mutual friends from Saudi Arabia, who stayed in the US for the winter break tried contacting me and I feel bad but I just cannot stand anyone from those places anymore. It's bad enough trying to be civil let alone sit through a coffee session. I just can't anymore. Another friend of mine who left in May is returning with his wife who's pregnant. Jesus, I remember him on top of that French girl for the duration that I knew him. How awkward.
I guess that's how we all cope. Shove it under the rug. Share a wink or two with friends. Pretend it never happened and everything is good. I'm happy to start packing, I never thought I'd want to move away from the city or the ocean. I can be someone else in a place where no one knows me.
Monday, January 6, 2014
all want something
Against my better judgement as usual I forced myself to go out on New Years Eve with friends. They have no idea what happened or my sudden absence while I feigned illness. Well I was/am sick but not so much physically as mentally and emotionally. I tried to put on a happy face and go shopping with friends for a dress for the occasion but my heart really wasn't in it. For the first time ever I didn't care if I wore a dress that wasn't new. No matter how I style my hair or apply makeup I feel hideous. The guilt I harbor is suffocating and it's difficult to keep up appearances. As I tried to put on my false eyelashes for the hundredth time with shaking hands I heard my phone ping.
I just hate hate hate with the passion of a hundred burning suns fighting while texting. I had given up at this point because I felt too exhausted to deal with the kid anymore. Just the sight of his name popping up on my phone makes my heart sink. I'm sure it's mutual despite his protests and declarations of love. I haven't come to terms with what happened and how we dealt with it. He begs for forgiveness and for me not to hate him. I'm biding my time until I can see him once he's back in the US so I can slap his face and pray he dies in a fire. I have never in my life hated anyone like I do him. The fact that he will be breathing in the sweet freedom of the United States and cheating his way through school makes my blood boil. I told him to just stay there in his country where he belongs. Wild animals should be kept in cages.
I cannot stand his instagram updates of soccer teams and friends and moody looks and cryptic captions. I deleted all my pictures, I couldn't stand to see my own face let alone how it was before all of this. How can I face myself day to day? How do you live with this? My body is returning to normal and I'm trying hard to be kind to myself. I'm trying to bring myself to write about what happened but it's a very sensitive subject and I don't feel up to a debate or a lecture on morals. I've found myself skipping meals. I feel that I don't deserve this nourishment for my body. What is the point. In desperation I took a razor blade to my wrist not in an attempt for suicide but just to punish myself. I cut three rows of fine thin lines that have since scabbed over. My heavy watch and bangles hides any evidence of my pain and anguish.
Oh yeah New Years Eve in a nutshell. My behavior has become increasingly reckless as of late and on a whim I took Molly while on the way to a nightclub. Really I don't see what all the fuss is about it's highly overrated and you're still very much in control of your actions and surroundings. I was inpatient for the drug to kick in so I took a vodka redbull. As I leaned against the wall and watched my friends laughing and screaming during the countdown I felt a deep sadness. The confetti rained down on all of us and couples began to kiss passionately. I wished for death. I managed a smile and hugs for my friends. I flinched when anyone touched me. I worried for my friend who I hadn't seen since the countdown, she wasn't answering my messages or calls. My other friend came up to me his pupils dilated and shouted in my ear over the music that someone had slipped her a roofie and she was taken home by our other friend. I saw the guy who bought her a drink and I felt so angry. The audacity of men. Their disgusting selfish nature. I hunted all of their party down and watched with satisfaction as security dragged them out of the restrooms and searched their pockets. The blonde one had taunted me earlier when I tried to confront him and I got a "it's New Years baby, the girls just wanna have fun and the guys defiantly do" with a wink. I blew him a kiss as they dragged him out he couldn't believe it. I didn't really feel better.
I just hate hate hate with the passion of a hundred burning suns fighting while texting. I had given up at this point because I felt too exhausted to deal with the kid anymore. Just the sight of his name popping up on my phone makes my heart sink. I'm sure it's mutual despite his protests and declarations of love. I haven't come to terms with what happened and how we dealt with it. He begs for forgiveness and for me not to hate him. I'm biding my time until I can see him once he's back in the US so I can slap his face and pray he dies in a fire. I have never in my life hated anyone like I do him. The fact that he will be breathing in the sweet freedom of the United States and cheating his way through school makes my blood boil. I told him to just stay there in his country where he belongs. Wild animals should be kept in cages.
I cannot stand his instagram updates of soccer teams and friends and moody looks and cryptic captions. I deleted all my pictures, I couldn't stand to see my own face let alone how it was before all of this. How can I face myself day to day? How do you live with this? My body is returning to normal and I'm trying hard to be kind to myself. I'm trying to bring myself to write about what happened but it's a very sensitive subject and I don't feel up to a debate or a lecture on morals. I've found myself skipping meals. I feel that I don't deserve this nourishment for my body. What is the point. In desperation I took a razor blade to my wrist not in an attempt for suicide but just to punish myself. I cut three rows of fine thin lines that have since scabbed over. My heavy watch and bangles hides any evidence of my pain and anguish.
Oh yeah New Years Eve in a nutshell. My behavior has become increasingly reckless as of late and on a whim I took Molly while on the way to a nightclub. Really I don't see what all the fuss is about it's highly overrated and you're still very much in control of your actions and surroundings. I was inpatient for the drug to kick in so I took a vodka redbull. As I leaned against the wall and watched my friends laughing and screaming during the countdown I felt a deep sadness. The confetti rained down on all of us and couples began to kiss passionately. I wished for death. I managed a smile and hugs for my friends. I flinched when anyone touched me. I worried for my friend who I hadn't seen since the countdown, she wasn't answering my messages or calls. My other friend came up to me his pupils dilated and shouted in my ear over the music that someone had slipped her a roofie and she was taken home by our other friend. I saw the guy who bought her a drink and I felt so angry. The audacity of men. Their disgusting selfish nature. I hunted all of their party down and watched with satisfaction as security dragged them out of the restrooms and searched their pockets. The blonde one had taunted me earlier when I tried to confront him and I got a "it's New Years baby, the girls just wanna have fun and the guys defiantly do" with a wink. I blew him a kiss as they dragged him out he couldn't believe it. I didn't really feel better.
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