the things I never told you

I file these things under memories that keep me awake at night and my poor choice of people I placed my trust in.  Take my Arabic brother I mentioned, at first it was a joke within the group everyone knew we were friendly and called him my slave. I knew he liked me how much I was never sure, I looked at all of them as my brothers. He was one of the main instigators when it came to the game with the kid. When drunk he would ask me about who I talked to and admit he hated them all. The term for a girl player in Saudi slang is "lizard" I forget the word in Arabic. My brother is from a city neighboring Bahrain and would often sneak out to drink and stay in his secret apartment. As the only boy he had responsibilities and was glad to study in the US for bit. He was in his late twenties and and perusing his masters.

I liked him and I miss the dynamic of the group, before things got awkward and out of hand. Things took a turn for the worse when the 2 ring leaders cousins whom I adore went back for Ramadan. I didn't realize they were the ones who kept everyone in line and made sure no boundaries were crossed. With the cousins M & M around I felt safe to drink and even I had one too many they would carry me out and feed me and put me to bed. I often slept in my brothers bed a mess of smudged eyeliner and heavy perfume. He would stay awake with his friends for a couple more hours and when I woke he was next to me. He hated the kid and I think he knew that it was deeper then games and loneliness. I arranged to meet the kid of Eid and confess everything but my brother got in the way of it.

That evening I had brought desserts for the boys and headed over. There was already a giant bottle of gray goose on the table and the television was blasting Wiz Khalifa. I found my brother perched on the tub a joint in his mouth. He greeted me with a customary hala wallah 8abi and pushed a drink into my hands. I'll finish later but I'm sure one can tell it won't end well.