Against my better judgement as usual I forced myself to go out on New Years Eve with friends. They have no idea what happened or my sudden absence while I feigned illness. Well I was/am sick but not so much physically as mentally and emotionally. I tried to put on a happy face and go shopping with friends for a dress for the occasion but my heart really wasn't in it. For the first time ever I didn't care if I wore a dress that wasn't new. No matter how I style my hair or apply makeup I feel hideous. The guilt I harbor is suffocating and it's difficult to keep up appearances. As I tried to put on my false eyelashes for the hundredth time with shaking hands I heard my phone ping.
I just hate hate hate with the passion of a hundred burning suns fighting while texting. I had given up at this point because I felt too exhausted to deal with the kid anymore. Just the sight of his name popping up on my phone makes my heart sink. I'm sure it's mutual despite his protests and declarations of love. I haven't come to terms with what happened and how we dealt with it. He begs for forgiveness and for me not to hate him. I'm biding my time until I can see him once he's back in the US so I can slap his face and pray he dies in a fire. I have never in my life hated anyone like I do him. The fact that he will be breathing in the sweet freedom of the United States and cheating his way through school makes my blood boil. I told him to just stay there in his country where he belongs. Wild animals should be kept in cages.
I cannot stand his instagram updates of soccer teams and friends and moody looks and cryptic captions. I deleted all my pictures, I couldn't stand to see my own face let alone how it was before all of this. How can I face myself day to day? How do you live with this? My body is returning to normal and I'm trying hard to be kind to myself. I'm trying to bring myself to write about what happened but it's a very sensitive subject and I don't feel up to a debate or a lecture on morals. I've found myself skipping meals. I feel that I don't deserve this nourishment for my body. What is the point. In desperation I took a razor blade to my wrist not in an attempt for suicide but just to punish myself. I cut three rows of fine thin lines that have since scabbed over. My heavy watch and bangles hides any evidence of my pain and anguish.
Oh yeah New Years Eve in a nutshell. My behavior has become increasingly reckless as of late and on a whim I took Molly while on the way to a nightclub. Really I don't see what all the fuss is about it's highly overrated and you're still very much in control of your actions and surroundings. I was inpatient for the drug to kick in so I took a vodka redbull. As I leaned against the wall and watched my friends laughing and screaming during the countdown I felt a deep sadness. The confetti rained down on all of us and couples began to kiss passionately. I wished for death. I managed a smile and hugs for my friends. I flinched when anyone touched me. I worried for my friend who I hadn't seen since the countdown, she wasn't answering my messages or calls. My other friend came up to me his pupils dilated and shouted in my ear over the music that someone had slipped her a roofie and she was taken home by our other friend. I saw the guy who bought her a drink and I felt so angry. The audacity of men. Their disgusting selfish nature. I hunted all of their party down and watched with satisfaction as security dragged them out of the restrooms and searched their pockets. The blonde one had taunted me earlier when I tried to confront him and I got a "it's New Years baby, the girls just wanna have fun and the guys defiantly do" with a wink. I blew him a kiss as they dragged him out he couldn't believe it. I didn't really feel better.
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