Jeez Louise friends, I've since been trying to clean house of all things Arabic. I cannot do it anymore really last week was the last straw. I don't want to go into great detail about what happened but it was borderline sexual assault. And no amount of paragraph long text messages of apologies will ever fix that. I realized two important things, one I can't drink around guys anymore and two I can't trust anyone. I'm so disgusted that I don't want to drink anymore. I actually picked up a bible for the first time in months. God I just want to be happy so badly. I want to just wake up and feel better. I don't want to wake up past noon with a headache from crying. I can't stand the pitying glances my family keeps throwing me.
So I think I managed to get rid of Abdul once and for all it was easier then I thought. I had tried every move in the book and acted like a psycho but hey some guys are in to that. It just took some hinting at having him investigated by friends back home to outrage him. Then you get dramatic messages from whatsapp about how he will never speak to me again and how I am done from his life, how I will cry later because I lost such a good guy. I think the steroids affected his brain.
Now getting rid of the kid is another matter. I had a late night dinner with him and I danced around the subject. Why am I such a coward ugh. Finally choking back tears I explained to him that I just want to be happy, and I feel lonely with him. What I should have said is "you're here for a couple of years and I would love to sit and hold your hand and play house but I'm getting too old for it". I managed a confession that something about me makes people leave. And he got mad and said he wanted me and he hasn't seen anything about me he didn't like. He asked me stop bringing the subject up about how we met. He asked if I stopped loving him and he was on the verge of tears too. I kept sipping my iced tea trying to will myself not to cry in public until he snatched it out of my hands. He pulled me closer to him and kissed me. I sat in this very booth before with my ex. What is wrong with me? He swore he would try harder. They always do. I managed a tight smile.
Later in his bed he cradled me naked to his body. I asked him how much he loved me as he moved above me, "I would die for you" he whispered kissing me. The whole time I thought of my ex my eyes scrunched tightly closed. I had to bite my lip to keep from saying his name. Early the next morning I had to leave early and we exchanged playful banter and I dressed. He told me about a concert he was going to in the valley some rave, it wasn't an invitation. He told me he wanted to try molly for the first time with his friends but he was afraid of getting addicted. I sat on the edge of his bed my back to him pretending to pull on my shoes. The smell of sex around us was suddenly suffocating. I advised him not to take it trying to hide the disappointment from my voice. He promised not too, that he would be the sober one. That evening he stopped answering my messages until the morning. I saw posts of the rave on his Instagram with comments from friends asking if he found molly with winky faces. So much for breakfast in the city followed by the movie, now here we are exchanging curt messages.
How stupid I am.
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