Some days I feel like my old self again and others I'm back to square one. This was a rough weekend for me and I spent the better half of today moping in bed nursing a hangover. I have been drinking a lot more then usual lately and I need to slow it down. On Thursday I had lunch with my friends from the exchange program whom I adore. Heads turn when the four of us walk in the mall, simply because we all try to make an effort to dress chic and add a European twist to our style. My friend from Germany married in the summer at 21 on a the beach. It was a lovely simple wedding but they seem to be having trouble in paradise. It made me wonder where I would be today if I had accepted the engagement proposals in my early twenties.
After dinner with friends I received a text from my Arabic brother. I had not seen him in two months after an incident between us. He invited me to get a drink with him and he wanted to catch up. I was a little bored so I agreed. I went home to change and fix my make up. I dressed in all black again and left my hair a big wavy mess. I love to apply heavy cat eyeliner, there's a Lil Wayne song I have on repeat these days that sings "she had cat eyes, nine lives, no tan lines, thigh highs..." that I do. After taking my second shower in perfume. A good or bad Khaleeji habit I picked up years prior. I decided to be a tease and heat up some charcoal for bakhour. Bakhour is heavy fragrant incense used to perfume clothing and hair. My Arabic brother is the only male of six sisters, so he always notices and appreciates these gestures. When he is drunk he will text me, that in this club or bar there is no one who compares to me. Kind of him to stay my fragile ego these days but boys are always good with words rarely with actions. Once in the car he greets me with hala galbi which translates to (hello my heart) and a kiss on my head. He will leave within a month or so back to his country after getting an English program certificate. The bar he wanted to show me was closed so we debate what to do. We end up going to the city. I complain at his casual appearance of a t shirt and sport shoes, while he clicks his tongue.
We end up at a club and as he gets drunk he tries kissing me and I became weary. I say many mean things to him out of annoyance and he takes my abuse. As I go to slam the car door for my dramatic exit, he ruins it by handing me a present. I don't want it but he insists and asks me to open it when I get home then text him. I was a little drunk myself and tossed my shoes and the present on the floor by the door fell asleep. The next day I open the bag and suppress a deep sigh and wonder if he's mocking me, it's a giant green Saudi flag. As I lifted the flag to inspect it a black velvet box falls out. The jewelry set is similar to one he gave me on Eid, but this time rubies instead of emeralds and more bakhour. I place the box next to its twin and carefully fold the flag. I don't want it, and it has Allah's name written on it in Arabic so I cannot dispose of it. I cannot hang it anywhere in my room as it would only be a painful reminder. I try to make him take it back but he wouldn't.
I needed a distraction and luckily my friend were going to a fair. While at the fall fair by the beach I saw so many happy couples. Some married with small children. The mothers making sure her young ones stayed hydrated and adjusted small sunhats. The dads held children on their shoulders. I sadly checked my phone for the millionth time. I wanted to see the young one but I was annoyed by his late night texts. I only went out with my brother because I was sad and look at that fiasco. I don't want empty relationships anymore. Don't text me because I crossed your mind drunk and high at 1:30am. Text me because you miss me, invite me to dinner or a movie not a club or bar. I'm going to end this fling because I can't keep doing this to myself. My Arabic brother sends me a few snapchats and messages, I respond polity and thank him. I watch my friends laughing in the sunshine. Sometimes I wanna disappear.
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