I still remember the softness and fullness of your lips. The first time you took me, I would say the first time we made love. But there was none at that time. Do you remember that night, after the movie and the long drive to your home? It was an Indian summer. The night was still hot as day leaving everyone restless. I approached your car for our first date, you asked me to stop and looked at me from an arms length distance.
We
sized each other up approvingly. I took in your fitted chinos, gray
Toms, a sky blue v-neck tee shirt that showed off toned arms and a
simple leather bracelet. After a hug, you held me away from you and
looked pleased. I took in the scent of your subtle cologne. I didn't
realize how tall you were, I barely came up to your chest in my ballet
flats. When I sat in your car you clicked on the overhead light your
face eagerly searching mine. We had never officially met, yet talked for
hours on end daily for months. You told me I looked better in person
than in my photos. I know this about myself. I don't photograph all too
well. You, on the other hand, looked exactly as I had seen. My friends
later, perhaps trying to console me, would say that you were not
handsome. Your just nose too prominent and eyes were deep set. I thought
you perfection personified.
We
caught a late movie and settled comfortably into the seats of the
theater between my nervous munching of popcorn. I became thirsty and
told you I was gonna steal sips of your coke which made you smirk. You
were quiet and watched me more than the movie. I noticed out of the
corner of my eye. We made no move to touch each other but shifted in our
seats crossing and uncrossing our legs. We joked back in the car and
the conversation flowed easily between us I could tell you felt
comfortable. I trusted you instantly and felt that I had known you for
years. You admitted you didn't want the night to end yet and asked if
you could steal me. I said yes and you took my hand in yours I noted the
different in size as you shifted gears, yours easily swallowed mine.
You made a hookah for us at your home. I watched with interest as your elegant fingers squished the wood out of the shisha. I had loved your hands; the size and strength of them, how gentle and cruel they could be. I even loved the one visible flaw of your person, your clubbed thumb on your right hand which you hated. We flirted with each other a little in between billowing plumes of apple scented smoke. After the charcoals had burned out we settled into a lull barely watching a movie on television. Your cousins bustled around us upstairs speaking Arabic in hushed tones. They were still unpacking from their trip back home and stole curious glances at us. Later you told me they joked with you, asking you to make sure I was eighteen. I suppose I look younger than I am but still not that young. You stood up suggested I help you finish arranging your bedroom/ I thought nothing of it as it seemed you had just moved in and followed. Your room was off to the side of the living room and the only one on the first level, complete with its own private bathroom. I helped you stuff the duvet into a new cover of light gray cotton, a favorite of yours. You asked me for suggestions on where to hang several pictures as I lazily sunk into the bed we just made. Your room was clean and organized for a boy, cologne bottles spread about your dark colored dresser amid school books and towels neatly folded in the corner shelf. You had burned oud I could tell and wondered if you planned this.
By now the time was nearing 4 am and I was tired. You shot down all my suggestions for decorating and took a space next to me on your bed. I turned slowly towards you to say something idly, my mouth open when suddenly you grabbed my face and tried to kiss me. I was taken by surprise and protested while you retreated back to your side but traced my lips with your fingers. I watched you, mesmerized as you explored the outline of my lips softly, then touched them to your own mouth. Your pink tongue darting out for a quick lick and than with the same fingers pressed them to my mouth insistingly like a kiss. I had never seen or felt anything like that and I said nothing. I was still trying to figure out what happened. Than you were on top of me roughly kissing me, your hands holding my face still as I tried to move away. I tried turning my face trapped by your hands with a cry, as you licked and bit my cheek. This sudden aggression caught me by surprise. The mood had been very light and calm the whole date. I voiced my concern and my reasoning for rejecting your advances. How much I valued our friendship carefully built over a 6 month period. I knew in my heart there was no way this could end well for either of us. I knew you were not yet twenty despite your height and maturity, you still had a few more weeks and I was twenty three at the time. We had promised to be friends and never to complicate our friendship over the summer.
Your kisses were too rough too demanding, heavy with teeth and tongue . I tried to kissing you back gently but passionately. I thought if I could show you how much I loved you with a soft kiss you would understand. Looking back I think you took my kiss as permission and acceptance. I knew there was chemistry between us but I was confused. You began to wrestle my long, thin kimono sweater off. Despite my soft "no" flung it aside leaving me in my tank top. I told you again to stop and you became annoyed. You pressed angry kisses down my throat and to my breasts, nuzzling and nipping at any exposed skin. Your hands became rough and dragged themselves down my body to my jeans, fumbling with the button and zipper. At this point I began to fight you, I was relieved when you stopped and rolled off me frustrated.
You made a hookah for us at your home. I watched with interest as your elegant fingers squished the wood out of the shisha. I had loved your hands; the size and strength of them, how gentle and cruel they could be. I even loved the one visible flaw of your person, your clubbed thumb on your right hand which you hated. We flirted with each other a little in between billowing plumes of apple scented smoke. After the charcoals had burned out we settled into a lull barely watching a movie on television. Your cousins bustled around us upstairs speaking Arabic in hushed tones. They were still unpacking from their trip back home and stole curious glances at us. Later you told me they joked with you, asking you to make sure I was eighteen. I suppose I look younger than I am but still not that young. You stood up suggested I help you finish arranging your bedroom/ I thought nothing of it as it seemed you had just moved in and followed. Your room was off to the side of the living room and the only one on the first level, complete with its own private bathroom. I helped you stuff the duvet into a new cover of light gray cotton, a favorite of yours. You asked me for suggestions on where to hang several pictures as I lazily sunk into the bed we just made. Your room was clean and organized for a boy, cologne bottles spread about your dark colored dresser amid school books and towels neatly folded in the corner shelf. You had burned oud I could tell and wondered if you planned this.
By now the time was nearing 4 am and I was tired. You shot down all my suggestions for decorating and took a space next to me on your bed. I turned slowly towards you to say something idly, my mouth open when suddenly you grabbed my face and tried to kiss me. I was taken by surprise and protested while you retreated back to your side but traced my lips with your fingers. I watched you, mesmerized as you explored the outline of my lips softly, then touched them to your own mouth. Your pink tongue darting out for a quick lick and than with the same fingers pressed them to my mouth insistingly like a kiss. I had never seen or felt anything like that and I said nothing. I was still trying to figure out what happened. Than you were on top of me roughly kissing me, your hands holding my face still as I tried to move away. I tried turning my face trapped by your hands with a cry, as you licked and bit my cheek. This sudden aggression caught me by surprise. The mood had been very light and calm the whole date. I voiced my concern and my reasoning for rejecting your advances. How much I valued our friendship carefully built over a 6 month period. I knew in my heart there was no way this could end well for either of us. I knew you were not yet twenty despite your height and maturity, you still had a few more weeks and I was twenty three at the time. We had promised to be friends and never to complicate our friendship over the summer.
Your kisses were too rough too demanding, heavy with teeth and tongue . I tried to kissing you back gently but passionately. I thought if I could show you how much I loved you with a soft kiss you would understand. Looking back I think you took my kiss as permission and acceptance. I knew there was chemistry between us but I was confused. You began to wrestle my long, thin kimono sweater off. Despite my soft "no" flung it aside leaving me in my tank top. I told you again to stop and you became annoyed. You pressed angry kisses down my throat and to my breasts, nuzzling and nipping at any exposed skin. Your hands became rough and dragged themselves down my body to my jeans, fumbling with the button and zipper. At this point I began to fight you, I was relieved when you stopped and rolled off me frustrated.
I
wanted to see you happy with me so badly. I had fallen in love with you
even before even meeting you, and I was torn by this situation. Surely
this was not the love I had imagined, the one who had comforted me and
been kind to me these past months. I knew you had a temper and were
jealous. You had warned that you had a dark side and I stubbornly
refused to hear it. You got up from the bed and proceeded to change into
sleeping clothes while I adverted my eyes. Your movements were fast and
jerky as you slammed dresser drawers. Now dressed in the soft white
cotton shirt worn under the thob called a drosh and
boxers, you moved towards the door. I thought for sure you would leave.
To my surprise, you switched off the main light. I heard the lock of
the door click. The room was completely dark until you switched on a dim
lamp beside your bed.
I had my back to you when you grabbed me and pressed your body to mine, again biting and nosing my neck. You wrapped your arms around me slipping them under my top hungry to feel warm skin. You made a disproving noise as you felt my belly ring. You were angry, I could tell by how your voice rose a pitch and were telling me how I was ruining this moment and how you dreamed of this. We argued in between brutal kisses that you forced upon me, as I tried to make you see that sleeping together will be the end of us. I would lose him at one point or another and I knew it. As I was lost in my thoughts of how I could get out of this, you rolled back on top of me with a renowned vigor. I saw you had stripped off your shirt at this point. For a second I couldn't help but reach out a hand to marvel at the perfect chest and abs posed above me like a Greek statue toned and sculpted. You were accustomed to girls reaction to your body I could tell, and took my hands unwitting exploration and soft exclamation of "oh" as desire. I felt my jeans being slid off despite their tightness and still being buttoned. I pushed at the very chest I had just been admiring. You shushed my protests all the while taking one of my hands and pressing them to your boxers, "you feel me baby" you breathed and I became afraid at this point. You exhaled loudly and worked my unwilling hand against your sex as I tried in vain to pull away. I could feel all of your male anatomy through the thin strained fabric. When you shoved your boxers off impeded slightly by your heavy bobbing erection, and threw my jeans off the bed was when I found my voice and begged you to stop. The sight of your naked body made me panic, and though I was no virgin, I was terrified as you mashed our bodies together separated only by my tank top and underwear. Pinned by your weight I could not move or dislodge you and my movements seemed to provoke you further. Greedy hands mapped out my skin as you stripped my tank top over my head my protests still falling on deaf ears. I regretted not wearing a bra that day and I tried to shield myself from you, as you pried my hands away to cup my breasts and kiss them. You tried consoling my pleading with demanding kisses and a promise of "just over the underwear baby just wanna feel you" your voice thick with desire as you ground your hips against me. Your sex a frightening reminder heavy against my thigh, your weight crushing. Your hands and mouth moving over my body and everything was happening too fast.
Your sharp hip bones were painful against mine as you made slow shallow thrusts, I must have been whimpering because you demanded I stop "making these sad noises" with a sharp slap to my thigh. I flinched and jerk away from you terrified because the only thing separating us was my underwear. My sudden movement made it easier for you to part my legs with one thigh though I tried to vain to close them. You cupped my face with one hand and used the other to drag my panties off as I tried kicking and thrashing. I became desperate and your movements seemed frenzied. Through my panic and attempt at stopping you, you kissed me trying to silence my cries "shh we gonna be together now" was all I heard against my lips. You sealed you mouth over mine trying to muffle my screams as positioned yourself above me. You let out a low hissing breath at the contact of our naked bodies and humped against me your weeping erecting leaving me wet much to my shame. I remember I sobbed into your mouth as you took me roughly exploring me with first your fingers and than your sex. The intense dark look on your face with each thrust as you bit your lip, my hands as they tried hitting and scratching you. You were just so much bigger than me, everything about you was too big, too much. You had about 70 pounds on by slight frame, and could take both my wrists in one hand, which you did when I tried to block your hips from bucking against me. I told you to stop and that you were hurting me, I tried again to scream but it all came out in chocked gasps. "Almost baby almost " you said silkily while setting a brutal pace, hands at my shoulders pinning me under you and jerking my body to meet your thrusts. I felt like a rag doll under your bruising grip and I cried out in pain.
As you finished violently on me I was in shock. You let go of my arms only to rub your essence into the soft skin of my stomach in slow circles directly and deliberately. You were studying my crumbling expression with a tight mouth, I couldn't read the look on your face. I remember shaking afterwards and watching you pull on your discarded boxers and shirt, movements now slower more unsure. I don't know why but I let you pull me to you and hold me despite my flinching. I found my trembling hands balled in the fabric of your shirt my head buried in your shoulder trying not to cry as you pet my hair softly. I had never been afraid of man before, I didn't want to start now and I never thought I would be violated like this. I didn't resist as you kissed me now gently and asked if I was okay. I couldn't find my voice and as brought a bottle of water to my lips insisting I drink, your eyes on me the whole time as you took heavy gulps. I tried to turn away from you but you wouldn't let me go and I didn't have any fight left in me as you lifted me like a child on top of your chest to sleep, arms tight around me, face buried in my hair. In the light of day I asked you why you did that, why was it like this? I desperately needed to understand what had happened for my own sake. Your beautiful dark hooded eyes dropped from mine; I could see the feint purple smudges under them that were always there. A reminder of an unseen torment you lived with, "I didn't know you were little like this...you look tall in pictures..." you said softly. You looked me in my face and to this day I can't get these words out of my head or the expression in your eyes. You stated in the soft dangerous tone you would use, "I just wanted to own you".
I had my back to you when you grabbed me and pressed your body to mine, again biting and nosing my neck. You wrapped your arms around me slipping them under my top hungry to feel warm skin. You made a disproving noise as you felt my belly ring. You were angry, I could tell by how your voice rose a pitch and were telling me how I was ruining this moment and how you dreamed of this. We argued in between brutal kisses that you forced upon me, as I tried to make you see that sleeping together will be the end of us. I would lose him at one point or another and I knew it. As I was lost in my thoughts of how I could get out of this, you rolled back on top of me with a renowned vigor. I saw you had stripped off your shirt at this point. For a second I couldn't help but reach out a hand to marvel at the perfect chest and abs posed above me like a Greek statue toned and sculpted. You were accustomed to girls reaction to your body I could tell, and took my hands unwitting exploration and soft exclamation of "oh" as desire. I felt my jeans being slid off despite their tightness and still being buttoned. I pushed at the very chest I had just been admiring. You shushed my protests all the while taking one of my hands and pressing them to your boxers, "you feel me baby" you breathed and I became afraid at this point. You exhaled loudly and worked my unwilling hand against your sex as I tried in vain to pull away. I could feel all of your male anatomy through the thin strained fabric. When you shoved your boxers off impeded slightly by your heavy bobbing erection, and threw my jeans off the bed was when I found my voice and begged you to stop. The sight of your naked body made me panic, and though I was no virgin, I was terrified as you mashed our bodies together separated only by my tank top and underwear. Pinned by your weight I could not move or dislodge you and my movements seemed to provoke you further. Greedy hands mapped out my skin as you stripped my tank top over my head my protests still falling on deaf ears. I regretted not wearing a bra that day and I tried to shield myself from you, as you pried my hands away to cup my breasts and kiss them. You tried consoling my pleading with demanding kisses and a promise of "just over the underwear baby just wanna feel you" your voice thick with desire as you ground your hips against me. Your sex a frightening reminder heavy against my thigh, your weight crushing. Your hands and mouth moving over my body and everything was happening too fast.
Your sharp hip bones were painful against mine as you made slow shallow thrusts, I must have been whimpering because you demanded I stop "making these sad noises" with a sharp slap to my thigh. I flinched and jerk away from you terrified because the only thing separating us was my underwear. My sudden movement made it easier for you to part my legs with one thigh though I tried to vain to close them. You cupped my face with one hand and used the other to drag my panties off as I tried kicking and thrashing. I became desperate and your movements seemed frenzied. Through my panic and attempt at stopping you, you kissed me trying to silence my cries "shh we gonna be together now" was all I heard against my lips. You sealed you mouth over mine trying to muffle my screams as positioned yourself above me. You let out a low hissing breath at the contact of our naked bodies and humped against me your weeping erecting leaving me wet much to my shame. I remember I sobbed into your mouth as you took me roughly exploring me with first your fingers and than your sex. The intense dark look on your face with each thrust as you bit your lip, my hands as they tried hitting and scratching you. You were just so much bigger than me, everything about you was too big, too much. You had about 70 pounds on by slight frame, and could take both my wrists in one hand, which you did when I tried to block your hips from bucking against me. I told you to stop and that you were hurting me, I tried again to scream but it all came out in chocked gasps. "Almost baby almost " you said silkily while setting a brutal pace, hands at my shoulders pinning me under you and jerking my body to meet your thrusts. I felt like a rag doll under your bruising grip and I cried out in pain.
As you finished violently on me I was in shock. You let go of my arms only to rub your essence into the soft skin of my stomach in slow circles directly and deliberately. You were studying my crumbling expression with a tight mouth, I couldn't read the look on your face. I remember shaking afterwards and watching you pull on your discarded boxers and shirt, movements now slower more unsure. I don't know why but I let you pull me to you and hold me despite my flinching. I found my trembling hands balled in the fabric of your shirt my head buried in your shoulder trying not to cry as you pet my hair softly. I had never been afraid of man before, I didn't want to start now and I never thought I would be violated like this. I didn't resist as you kissed me now gently and asked if I was okay. I couldn't find my voice and as brought a bottle of water to my lips insisting I drink, your eyes on me the whole time as you took heavy gulps. I tried to turn away from you but you wouldn't let me go and I didn't have any fight left in me as you lifted me like a child on top of your chest to sleep, arms tight around me, face buried in my hair. In the light of day I asked you why you did that, why was it like this? I desperately needed to understand what had happened for my own sake. Your beautiful dark hooded eyes dropped from mine; I could see the feint purple smudges under them that were always there. A reminder of an unseen torment you lived with, "I didn't know you were little like this...you look tall in pictures..." you said softly. You looked me in my face and to this day I can't get these words out of my head or the expression in your eyes. You stated in the soft dangerous tone you would use, "I just wanted to own you".
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