I had a nightmare about you again last night. Maybe it's because when my replacement phone arrived I had to plug the device into my laptop to transfer my contacts. I guess I had been lazy with updating my phone and it saved everything from Thanksgiving from almost two years now. All the pictures and old conversations between us that I've been trying to block out. Good thing I was finished with classes for the day I ended up in the shower for 45 minutes brooding after that. I'm making progress I didn't breakdown sobbing. I'm not going to lie, it hurt to see your updated profile photo on whatsapp. You standing at sports game with your back to the arena, unsmiling and serious as always. You were showing off the jersey you were wearing, thumbs hooked in the sleeves. You look a little bit older, you look a little colder baby. It still hurts to see your face.
Because it will be my birthday soon I think I am nostalgic. Last year you took me to a fancy steak dinner in the city followed by drinks at a club. I had bought a new dress and shoes for the occasion. You had gotten me perfume and a watch. To this day I cannot bring myself to purchase the brand of fragrance again. I hope the smell haunts you too. In my dream you had contacted me to wish me happy birthday and begged to see me. I agreed because I cannot stop loving you and I hoped seeing you would help me to get over you. The details are fuzzy but you began drinking, your cousins were also there. We slept together and it was rough and terrible I regretted it. I began to realize it was a blessing that you left me. I lost you for a period of time and than found you drunk and on top of another girl. She was hideous and sloppy, I burned with humiliation. I dragged you off of her to hit and slap your face. You ran away or I ran I'm not sure. I was awoken by thunder and a horrid beeping alert on my phone about a flood warning. The time was 3:45am and I felt exhausted and sad.
My mood for the rest of the day has been heavy. Why do we romanticize people who hurt us?
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