cowardly

Long after things had settled I avoided the group after the incident with my "brother". It was something we never brought up. When I arrived back home after the fiasco nursing my hangover with Taco Bell and a hot shower I got a SMS from him, "weenk :(" it read. Maybe if I had chosen him over the kid things would have been very different. I would never have been thrust into the nightmarish situation where I was forced to compromise my morals.

Looking back its always easier to see things you had missed. I knew he just wanted to sleep with me hell they all did. Despite his constant declarations of love I never quite felt it. Had he really loved me he would have made much more of an effort while he was here. He gifted me with presents from emeralds to oud but would only call me at night. Had he made the effort to see me during the day it would have made a world of difference.

We talk almost daily now that he is back in Saudi Arabia and we argued about the past. I had missed him I'll admit but I never let myself fall for him. He said he had wanted me and I had ruined it with my behavior. God forbid a women be open and comfortable in her sexuality. Recently I confided in one of the cousins I had admired and he judged me harshly going as far as to say I deserved this fate. I felt sick to my stomach at his hypocrisy, he placed all the blame on me. And then said he and his friends were respectful to me. I burned with anger, if they thought I was nothing but a bitch to them they should have said so. I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He ended the conversation with, "what did you expect me to say?" and reminded me that I will be judged for this. I blocked and everyone from their circle from my life.

For now my "brother" and I continue to talk and snapchat, but I wouldn't be surprised if they suddenly stopped one day and he no longer answered me. The truth is often painful and its worse when the people you thought cared about you, really don't. I know if I told him everything he would block me after an angry tirade. I wouldn't blame him, though I care about him, he was never for me. The only thing that brings tears to my eyes is being judged by the people I cared about.